"GO AHEAD"
by Michael Steeves

(Butt and Guy are crouched, faces bent towards the ground, staring.)

Guy — What’s this?

Butt — What’s with all the questions?

Guy — Sorry?

Butt — You – always with the questions – what’s with that?

Guy — Well? But what is it?

Butt (exasperated) — You! It’s a baby, clearly.

Guy — Is it?

Butt (as before) — Jesus! Yes.

Guy (hushed) — A fucking baby.

Butt — Is that really necessary?

Guy — Sorry?

Butt — The fucking baby.

Guy — It can’t hear me.

Butt — Don’t be so sure.

Guy — So what if it can?

Butt (bitterly) — You and your fucking questions.

Guy — So what if it can hear us? It’s a baby. What’s fucking to a baby? So much noise, fair?

Butt — It’s a baby. They retain everything. Memory like an elephant.

Guy — Well then he’ll deal with this when the time comes, fair? If it ever does. That’s all possible I believe.

Butt (incredulous) — You believe? [less so] What about…well…[not at all] fair…and either way…we’re clearly not going to be around for that anyways.

Guy (hushed) — A baby. [brightly] Do you think he looks sick?

Butt (elongating vowel sound) — No. [perplexed] Looks good to me.

Guy — Was that an answer?

Butt — Leave it.

Guy — You sure it’s a baby?

Butt — Go ahead and touch it. Find out.

Guy — Why don’t you?

Butt — No. Leave it. Don’t touch it.

Guy — Didn’t you just tell me to touch it?

Butt — I take it back. Leave it. Leave it alone.

Guy — What? Just leave it alone? Here?

Butt — Yes. Leave it alone.

Guy (slowly) — All right. I’m not sure I’m quite getting you. When you say leave it alone…are you saying leave it…as in…leave it here? Like…we leave and…leave it here…without us? Is that what you’re saying?

Butt — Yeah, I don’t know.

Guy — You don’t get me?

Butt — No, I do. I don’t know though.

Guy — You don’t know what you meant?

Butt — Jesus!

Guy — What?

Butt — Nothing.

Guy — What?

Butt — Nothing. I knew what I meant.

Guy — What was it?

Butt — Nothing. Nevermind.

Guy — What?

Butt — We can’t leave it alone can we?

Guy — No, we can’t.

Butt — Well then?

Guy — It doesn’t even look like one.

Butt — You an expoit er somtin?

Guy — I’ve known my fair share.

Butt — I’m sure you have.

Guy (laughing) — What? You? Give me a break.

Butt — What?

Guy — You saying that to me, that’s all.

Butt — What?

Guy — It’ s hilarious is all.

Butt — Why?

Guy — Like your virgin eye s have never laid upon a baby.

Butt — I try not to pay them much notice. They’re all the same to me.

Guy — Exactly! This one isn’t.

Butt — It’s a baby man! Look at it! What more do you want? [pointing] See! It’s baby skull, full of baby brains. It’s baby mouth, good for sucking and that’s about it. Baby hands for grasping and to suck on. Baby feet, same reason. That distended tummy, who does that belong to?

Guy — A baby.

Butt — Those inscrutable genitals?

Guy — The baby.

Butt — That blond drift of hair?

Guy — Baby’s.

Butt — Those abysmal eyes?

Guy — Baby.

Butt — So then, what do you say?

Guy — I still don’t know.

Butt — Fine Guy. Go ahead.

(Guy leans in.)

Butt — Wait!

Guy — What?

Butt — Nothing. Nevermind.

Guy — You think we should leave it?

Butt — I just think…

Guy — We should leave it?

Butt — Is that bad?

Guy — I swear to Christ that looks nothing like a baby.

Butt (bitterly) — Then what? What is it then?

Guy — Jesus. Relax.

Butt — Sorry.

Guy — I’m just trying to articulate something. You don’t have to take it so literally.

Butt — I don’t know how else I’m to take it.

Guy — I don’t know how else to put it. To me…that thing…when I really interrogate all the past impressions I’ve had of babies…that thing…in and of itself…doesn’t really hold up to my criteria of what constitutes looking like a baby.

Butt — What does it look like then?

Guy (leans in) — Well let’s take a closer look shall we? So that we can be a bit more precise.

Butt — I don’t think we should.

Guy — Listen. We can’t leave it so that’s it then. That’s the end. I don’t know why we’re still going on about it. There’s no leaving it, fair?

Butt — Fair.

Guy — So, I don’t intend to break it or anything. But we’re going to have to pick it up, fair? So we can bring it with us, right?

Butt — What a nightmare.

Guy — Don’t be so glum. It’s not like this is the first time thi s ha s happened.

(Guy leans in and picks it up. Butt looks down to where it was. Then they turn and all three of them go ahead.)

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